My boyfriend wants me to be more dominant in bed, how do I go about doing this?
THE QUESTION: My boyfriend wants me to be more dominant in bed, how do I go about doing this?
So I’ve always liked the idea of being dominant in bed with a partner but have never had the guts to go through with it. My new boyfriend, I say new but we have been together for a pretty long time now, told me he would like me to take control and be the dominatrix type in bed. I’m all for this but I’m not sure exactly what to do. So any advice on how to act and/or dress for this would be great. I was thinking just manhandle him a bit, demand and order him around, be a bit rough and such things? His exact words were “I just want you to own me” So what do you thinks a good idea?
Also how do I stop myself from cringing in embarrassment through all this, since its my first time I know I’ll find it difficult.
MY REPLY AS A FEMALE DOMINANT:
It’s hot that he says “I just want you to own me” because this is your cue to take the leash! And once you do, you’ll have him forever!
Since you like the idea of being dominant, it’s perfect and chances are you two are an excellent match.
Now domination or femdom is all “in the head” … it’s a headgame … and when it comes to headgames women always have the advantage. So claim it!
Femdom is about attitude and play-acting even more so than about clothing or real sex. Just sex (that is, regular straight sex) and you ordering him to “do” you isn’t all you can do. As his “owner” (and superior) the ball is in your court. And first of all you need to be honest with yourself and ask what you like: massage? foot rubs? receiving oral? Then incorporate what you like in bed with a femdom twist and it’s a win-win situation.
Female domination is about uncovering and exploiting vulnerabilities in the male psyche. So anything that drives him into deeper submission to you is useful. Does he have any weaknesses or fetishes? Most males submissives are natural foot fetishists. It makes sense, right? After all what better way to humble himself than to kiss the lowest point of your body.
One easy way to humble him (and remind him of his place) is to make him kiss your feet. (Just make sure your feet are clean.) Then, if you enjoy it, make him suck your toes while you lean back (like the dominant that you are) and watch TV or even talk on the phone. Feel free to ignore him a little and make him work hard for your attention. Make him “earn” your interest. (Think of it as a game. One in which you’re both having fun.)
In my experience taking advantage of a man’s foot fetish is a big way of exploiting his submissive side. He’ll be embarrassed and that’s a good thing. Humiliation for a male sub reminds him of his place, which is under your feet. So make him your literal (and figurative) footstool, to start. Believe me, he’ll love it! (And love you for it!)
If you are okay with a little physical roughhousing, go there. A little love slap at the right time works wonders, but remember YOUR PLEASURE must always come before his. From now on, it’s about slowly and carefully making him fulfill YOUR needs. As your submissive or sub, he doesn’t even need to climax. (But you do, get it?) In fact, many dominant women practice chastity with their mates. (You of course can enjoy yourself as much as you want.) The more horny he is the better. If you’re into other things, guide him there.
Whenever possible (in femdom mode), while he’s in your presence, keep him lower than you … either seated on the floor or on his knees. Pat his head, like a dog. Tell him, He’s a good boy, a good little sub. Tell him if you’re pleased or displeased. Talk down to him like he’s a child (which, in sub mode, he is!). He’s “your boy” and “your little man” (even if he towers above you). The word “little” is helpful in reminding him of his vulnerability and inner smallness (his submissive side). If you see that he responds well to humiliation, exploit that. There’s a definite mother/son dynamic you can play with. But always remember you’re the “Adult” (the one in charge) and he’s the child (and dependent on you … and helpless without you). The mother/son dynamic is deeply embedded in every male brain. You just need to exploit it a little and have fun. As a grown woman, your little man needs to cater to you. (This is how femdom can be empowering … because over time — as you’re worshiped — your self-esteem will grow.)
If you’re smart, you’ll start to eroticize other aspects of his life too. Make him do small favors for you (as a “good submissive boy”), like cleaning your room or washing your panties — or G-strings — by hand. Make him do chores with a femdom twist. A good book I recommend for ideas is “Permanent Obscurity” by Richard Perez. Study the character of Serena in that fun novel. The book is a femdom comedy, of sorts. But you’ll pick up a lot.
Remember, there’s never any need to shout or “bark orders” — all that is just cliche. You don’t need whips or chains either. It’s all in the mind. You’re a QUEEN, just remember that. And right now you have everything you need. Just work on uncovering your dominant (even sadistic) nature while wrapping him more and more tightly around your finger. And you’ll both be happy, I promise.
For the past several years, I’ve adopted elements of femdom in the bedroom. Happy to say, things have never been better.